What the Hell day is it?

To asSIPst human Sinners in Sinchronizing
with our schedule when we do pop-up events
on Earth, we’ve created a counter on your
World Wide Web to display the current
day and time in Hell (to ∞).

Click 🔥 HERE 🔥 to see
Doom’s date

There’s one time zone across the Seven Rings:
HST (Hell Standard Time).
In relation to the human world, it’s known as
ITC (Infernal Time Coordinated).
This corresponds to Earth’s global UTC
standard, which you can use to calculate*
exactly what day and time we’ll be portaling
up when we post our popcoming events.

*We’re already in Hell—YOU do the math!

Why the Hell do we need it?

Pride is puffed up with Sinners arriving from Earth, and it became easier at some point for Hell to start tracking time in parallel with the planet’s Gregorian standard (it’s not perfect—have you SEEN our calendars?), but we Hellborn like to maintain our own infernal system for hellidays, rituals, and demonic dealings.

How the Hell did we do it?

TL;DR in SIPS steps:

The Hell enchilada

Only the Heaven honcho knows the true age of Hell, but we can figure it out unfairly well by borrowing the chronology of 17th-century Irish archbishop James Ussher, who did the heavy lifting so we didn’t have to.

Ussher was a massive Bible nerd who studied all the tome, so we cheated on the Testament by copying his work. He’s known for calculating the date of Creation as October 23, 4004 BC.*

*Ussher actually pinpointed the exact time of Creation to 6:00 PM on October 22, 4004 BC, but days back in the day went from evening to evening, so most of that day took place on the 23rd. For sinplicity, we shifted the time to midnight ITC/UTC.

Why did Lucifer fall? He rebelled out of pride and jealousy when God made man in his image and likeness.

When was man created? Day 6.

We don’t know if Lucifer made his FAFO decision that very day, but the 7th was a day of rest, and the hissstorical record shows him slithering around the Garden shortly thereafter. Plus, SIPS SIX has a nice ring to it…

But wait! The Story of Hell says of the apple affair:

OK doomer.

But we’re not figuring out when Lucifer fell, we’re calculating the age of Hell.

This is the first explicit reference in the Bible to a place of fire made to hold the devil and his Fall-owers. So, did the chief know-it-all prepare Hell in advance to accept Lucifer and his sinions, having foreknowledge that they would rebel and be cast out of Heaven, or did Lucifer unwittingly create the dark pit himself at the moment the sin of pride was born within him, and God just lit the flame?

When it comes to our Hell counter, life begins at corruption. Whether prepared ahead of time as a holding cell or first occupied when Lucifer fell, it was technically open for Abyssiness on Day 6.

One Helluva day

Since chaos is the disorder of the day in Hell, and humans did all of the actual recordkeeping re Creation, we’re sticking with our Biblical timeline so we can create a Hell counter that will allow you to pop in when we pop up with our “damned” coffee.

Using Archbishop Ussher’s Creation date, and Day 6 as Lucifer’s brush with Fate, Hell would have been conceived, for ill intents and purposes, on October 28, 4004 BC.

By calculating the number of days from that date to the most recent 10/28 using a combination of calendars from back in the day to the current way, then adding the intervening days to bring us up to date, we have an acSIPtable Hellendar, which advances the day every 24 hours at midnight ITC.

Final judgment

Members of the nerd herd can get a full accounting of our accounting here.*

*This BCmoth has 1462166 rows and might take a moment to fully populate. It’s well over the cell limit, so refer to our Sinopsis below ↓ for notes.

Prior to the official adoption of the Julian calendar on January 1, 45 BC, it was complete calendar chaos, so Ussher used the proleptic Julian calendar from that day backward to calculate his date of Creation. This allows us to figure out the exact number of days from October 28, 4004 BC (the start of our Hell counter) to December 31, 1 BC (the last day of the BC calendar) by using standard Julian months and adding a leap day to every year that’s divisible by four.

There is no year zero, so 1 BC to 1 AD = 1 year.

In the 16th century, the calendar leapt ahead from October 4, 1582 to October 15, 1582 when the Western (European) world switched from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar, which is the global standard today. This corrected for Julian drift (years of 365.25 days in length) relative to Gregorian (years of 365.2425 days), which is more accurate.

Click 🔥 HERE 🔥 to view
a Sinopsis of our work

The 7-day week (Monday-Sunday) did not become standard until the 1st century AD under the Roman Empire, but for funsies, we decided to extend it backward all the way to Ussher’s Creation date using the proleptic Julian calendar—and serenSIPitously landed on a Monday.