What the Hell day is it?
To asSIPst human Sinners in “sinchronizing”
with our schedule when we do pop-up events
on Earth, we’ve created a counter on your
World Wide Web to display the current
day and time in Hell (to ∞).
Click 🔥 HERE 🔥 to see
Doom’s date
There’s one time zone across the Seven Rings:
HST (Hell Standard Time).
In relation to the human world, it’s known as
ITC (Infernal Time Coordinated).
This corresponds to Earth’s global UTC
standard, which you can use to calculate*
exactly what day and time we’ll be portaling
up when we post our popcoming events.
*We’re already in Hell—YOU do the math!
Why the Hell do we need it?
Pride is puffed up with Sinners arriving from Earth, and it became easier at some point for Hell to start tracking time in parallel with the planet’s Gregorian standard (it’s not perfect—have you SEEN our calendars?), but we hellborn like to maintain our own infernal system for hellidays, rituals, and demonic dealings.
How the Hell did we do it?
TL;DR in SIPS steps:
1. Date of Creation was October 23, 4004 BC, because bishop.
2. Hell was open for Abyssiness on Day 6, because reasons.
3. Years since 10/28/4004 BC x 365.2425 days, because leap years.
4. ITC/UTC, because easy.
5. Coding, because counter.
6. Counter, because coffee.
The Hell enchilada…
Only the Heaven honcho knows the true age of Hell, but we can figure it out unfairly well by borrowing the chronology of 17th-century Irish Bishop James Ussher, who did the heavy lifting so we didn’t have to.
Ussher was a massive Bible nerd who studied all the tome, so we cheated on the Testament by copying his work. He’s known for calculating the date of Creation as October 23, 4004 BC.
“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation … while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?” (Job 38:4–7, NIV)
Lucifer Morningstar was whooping it UP↑ “In the beginning…” (Genesis 1:1), when the heavens and the earth were created—BUT he was already sinscribing Eve+L on the apple tree by Genesis 3, so he had to have fallen within the first few days of Creation.
“Pride goeth before the fall.” (Proverbs 16:18, adapted)
Why did Lucifer fall? He rebelled out of pride and jealousy when God made man in his image and likeness.
When was man created? Day 6.
We don’t know if Lucifer made his FAFO decision that very day, but the 7th was a day of rest, and the hissstorical record shows him slithering around the Garden shortly thereafter. Plus, SIPS SIX has a nice ring to it…
But wait! The Story of Hell says of the apple affair:
“For with this single act of disobedience, evil finally found its way into Earth. With it, a new realm of darkness and sin.
…
As punishment for their reckless act, Heaven cast Lucifer and his love into the dark pit he had created.” (Hazbin 1:1, VM)
Is this the real Fallen angle or just Creative license? It’s giving more fierytale than factual detail, and it wouldn’t be the first time someone in Hell has stretched the truth…
“I’ve ruled the endless dark since long before the golden angel’s fall.” (Songbook of Helluva, 2:11)
OK doomer.
But we’re not figuring out when Lucifer fell, we’re calculating the age of Hell.
“Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.” (Matthew 25:41, NIV)
This is the first explicit reference in the Bible to a place of fire made to hold the devil and his Fall-owers. So, did the chief know-it-all prepare Hell in advance to accept Lucifer and his sinions, having foreknowledge that they would rebel and be cast out of Heaven, or did Lucifer unwittingly create the dark pit himself at the moment the sin of pride was born within him, and God just lit the flame?
When it comes to our Hell counter, life begins at corruption. Whether prepared ahead of time as a holding cell or first occupied when Lucifer fell, it was technically open for Abyssiness on Day 6.
One Helluva day
Since chaos is the disorder of the day in Hell, and humans did all of the actual recordkeeping re Creation, we’re sticking with our Biblical timeline so we can create a Hell counter that will allow you to pop in when we pop up with our “damned” coffee.
Using Bishop Ussher’s Creation date, and Day 6 as Lucifer’s brush with Fate, Hell would have been conceived, for ill intents and purposes, on October 28, 4004 BC.
By calculating the number of years from that date to the most recent 10/28 (remembering that there’s no year zero, so 1 BC to 1 AD = 1 year), then multiplying by 365.2425 to account for leap years, and adding the intervening days to bring us up to date, we have an acSIPtable Hellendar, which advances the day every 24 hours at midnight ITC.*
*Ussher actually pinpointed the time of Creation to 6:00 PM, but for sinplicity, we are using midnight ITC/UTC as our standard.
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