We were served a coffee order—a Goetia SIPoena—to present ourselves before the royal court and answer to the charge of SIPScraft by producing a reSIPe for the aeriestocracy.

The result is “cloaquially” called a Café Cloaca.

The Full SIPstory

Mocha Java on its own is not a mocha drink. We nabbed the name from one of the oldest coffee blends on Earth, but in our Hell cafes it is a blend of beans from Mayhemen (in Wrath) and Sindonesia (in Envy).

We guided our S.I.P.S. across the Seven Rings to bring you a taste of the Cs.

If we served you a basic black brew from this blend, you’d be drinking a Mocha Java coffee, not a café mocha.

With the addition of chocolate syrup and milk, it becomes a Mocha Java Mocha.

Replace the milk with ultra-rich cream and add a drizzle of golden caramel sauce to create a Mocha Java Cloaca.

Top with whipped cream and a crumble of chocolate-covered toffee bits rolled in ground almonds and you have a Mocha Java Almond Roca Cloaca.*

*As the basis for this drink, Cloaca occupies the rear end.

Like an orifice manager, the Cloaca is a master multitasker.

A café mocha is traditionally served hot. The iced blended version of our Mocha Java Cloaca was sinspired by a frozen treat known as a Jamocha.

The original Jamocha was created by an Earth chain called Arby’s.

Our cloacadapted version was created upon death pain for the Ars G.

When the cream and chocolate are replaced with chocolate ice cream and the “hole” thing is blended with ice and crowned with toppings, it is called a Mocha Java Jamocha Almond Roca Cloaca.

The Hole Package

For an additional charge of 6.66%*, we’ll put an egg in there to bump up the richness and create a frappéccino consistency for a whole-in-one Cloaca experience.

*We use percents instead of cents due to rapidly changing prices caused by rampant inflagration.

SynopSIPS

For ease of ordering, simply ask for a Café Cloaca (hot) or a Frozen Cloaca (iced).

For optional toppings, you can request to have your Cloaca crowned (whipped cream) with jewels (toffee crumble).

Order the Hole Package if you’d like a Frozen Cloaca with all of the above, plus an #egginthere. (Be sure to tag us on Sinstagram, Vulture, and Redsky!)